How I Sabotaged My Own Dreams...

Or almost did anyway.

Something you may not know about me is that I'm a "play it safe" sort of gal.

I like to have money in my savings account, I never buy lottery tickets, and the only gambling I've done is $20 on slot machines in the Bahamas (using $20 my husband gave me).

I wear my seatbelt no matter how far I'm going, I lock every single window/door in my house when I'm home alone, and I wore knee pads playing high school basketball.  No really....I did.

Many people would call me conservative, but I believe it's truly due to my introverted personality.

So, this is how I almost sabotaged my own dreams!

That and the fact that, as a mom, I saw very little need or means to invest time or money in myself.  Boy, did I change my mind about that one.  And I'm so glad I stepped outside my comfort zone to do it.  Best decision ever.

I just started thinking about this recently because Laurel just turned 4 months old and we are just now getting through some pretty tough days weeks with her - more on that later.  And I'm just SO grateful that I'm not in the mental/physical space now that I was in at this point with my son.

With CT I struggled with postpartum and was in a pretty dark place emotionally for a while.  I cried a lot and secluded myself from almost everyone and really just stuck to myself.  I was sad for lack of a better word and I didn't know how to communicate that without people thinking (and me feeling) like I was a terrible mother.

Thinking back, I should have sought help much sooner.  I should have taken the survey at the doctor's office more seriously and really considered the questions as I answered them.  I should have reached out to someone, but I didn't know how.  I eventually found an incredible group of positive, empowering, supportive women who completely changed my life.  Cliche as it may.

Shortly after finding this group I decided I was destined to share it with other women just like me.  I'm talking women who are not fitness experts, who fail in the kitchen, who prefer jammies and wine to clubs and heels, who went to school or didn't, who mom hard or don't, any woman.  All women.

This group helped me in SO many ways; ways they didn't even know about and I didn't realize I needed.  I lost the baby weight and gained friendships, financial security, self-confidence, pride, community, knowledge, and so much more.

I just think about how much my life has changed in the last 2 years and how it has positively impacted me as a mother this second go-round.  I'm not sad anymore.  I'm not crying in the Old Navy fitting room.  I'm not having an anxiety attack in the line at the grocery store.  I'm not self-sabotaging or filled with self-hatred.  I'm not saying life's a peach.  It's definitely been tough and there have been some really rough days figuring out what's going on with my sweet baby girl, BUT nothing like what I went through with CT (who was the easiest, happiest, go-luckiest baby in all the land).  And I'm grateful because I do understand that hormones have a lot to do with it, but I also know even if I had had a similar experience this time, I have the support, friendship, and LOVE that I was lacking as a first time mom.