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Monday, February 11, 2019

Confessions from Behind My Social Media

"I just don't know how you do it."

*insert eye roll here*
I only eye roll because if you only knew, people!  I DON'T do it!  There are so many things I literally SUCK at that either don't or can't or won't get done because I'm not good at it.  And let's be real, no one likes to do the things they aren't good at, am I right?!

So, here are some confessions from behind my social media...

My Christmas tree literally came down yesterday.  See it back there?  Yup.  It's February and my tree is up with ornaments on it and I'm aiming to get it down this weekend.  Here's hoping...


I'm living amongst boxes.  I'm a classic procrastinator so I started packing NOW because if I don't do a little at a time I know it just won't get done.  My closing date isn't for another 2 weeks so I'm living amongst the boxes in the mean time.  And sometimes when I'm cooking I have to go digging into boxes to find the mini crock pot or the seasoning or the bottle of balsamic vinegar.

Snuggles trump Cleaning.  Every time.  So if you randomly pop in to visit you might see dishes in the sink, toys on the couch, laundry in the basket, and God knows what else because you'll probably find me under a blanket watching a movie with my babes or chasing them with nerf guns or sword fighting bad guys because THAT is what is important to me.

I was not born with self confidence.  In fact I use to tell my parents and we use to joke about the fact that I was born without guts.  I have worked HARD for the past 4 years to get where I am today.  Every day is not perfect, but I'm proud of who I am.

So, yeah.  Comparison is the greatest thief of joy and my grass is not greener than your's.  We all just need to tend to our own and we can be happier.


Wednesday, February 6, 2019

My Favorite Pork Tenderloin {crockpot recipe}


When I first started battling all the anxiety that hit me like a ton of bricks as my life spiraled onto this course I'm currently on I struggled to sleep, eat, cook, all the things.  I focused 100% of my energy into being mom to my babes and I was essentially wiped out after doing that all day.

Many nights I drank a smoothie or had a bowl of cereal for dinner and forced myself to eat it even though my throat felt like it was swelling up and I couldn't really have cared less about eating.  I couldn't bring myself to cook because I didn't feel like I could pretend things were okay.  I didn't want to put a family meal on the table when I didn't feel like I had a family to lean on.  Connection is one of my greatest values and it was severely lacking in those months.

One of my best friends, whom I often trade recipes with, got me the best Christmas presents I could have ever received.  She filled a gift bag with goodies from Whole Foods and Trader Joes and told me it was time to start cooking again.  Her words, "You're good at it and you enjoy it and you need to start doing it again."

I'm so so grateful for her, her friendship, her little dose of tough love, and this gift because I started cooking again almost as soon as I got home from our visit.  I've made homemade soups and sauce and zoodles and taco salads and this week I made my favorite pork tenderloin.  It's so nice to want to do the things that make you happy, to feel like me again.  I just had to share the recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 lb pork tenderloin
  • Everything Flavor God seasoning
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 1/2 cup brown sugar
  • 1 Tbsp cornstarch
  • 1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 2 Tbsp soy sauce
Instructions:

  1. Pour 1/2 cup water into crockpot and liberally sprinkle Everything seasoning onto pork.
  2. Cook on low for 8 hours
  3. Mix together ingredients for the glaze in a small sauce pan: brown sugar, cornstarch, balsamic vinegar, water, soy sauce
  4. Heat over medium heat until mixture thickens stirring consistently.
  5. Serve roast over rice or cauliflower rice and top with glaze.
If you try this I'd love to hear how you like it!  It's a staple in our house because it's so easy and so delicious!  Enjoy.


Tuesday, February 5, 2019

A Day Wasted


You ever have those days where you have like 30 things on your to do list and you are so motivated to get to work crossing them off and then something comes up that prevents you from getting to a single one of them?

Mondays are my days without the kids so I've devoted them as my day to do all the things because I don't want to be doing those things when I have them - I want to spend time with them!  And of course yesterday my list was jam packed with business calls, grocery shopping, consignment drop offs, department meetings, and last minute house tasks so we can get this closing on the road.

And I felt like poo.  All. Day. Long.

I tried to hustle through the sickness, but I didn't get nearly as much done as I wanted to and truth be told, what I really wanted to do was curl up under a blanket and catch up on Real Housewives.  It's going to be a fine line between getting stuff done and self-care on Mondays I believe.

I knew Mondays would be tough for me so I purposely scheduled them to include a lot of team and business building activities.  I'm one of those people that likes to have a distraction when things are tough, or at least something to channel the energy into.

Usually it's a blessing, but yesterday I just wanted to do nothing.

So, I've scheduled a date with myself this weekend to have a glass of wine and watch Rachel Hollis' movie on Amazon Prime.  Have you seen it yet?!

Friday, February 1, 2019

Love Yourself First

I've been thinking a lot about Valentine's Day this year; what girl isn't, right?


In all honesty, it's never been a huge holiday for me, but there's a little something different this year since I know that I won't be celebrating it.  In fact the only people I will even hear about it from are probably my parents - bless them.  And I'm 100% okay with it.  I really am.  But, it's had me thinking about all the women/girls out there who maybe aren't okay with it.  The ones who are going through a break up or have never had someone to celebrate it with or who just lost their loved one unexpectedly or maybe the ones who only serial date assholes....

Whatever the reason my heart goes out to you because I think there are so many things that we should do for US before we start trying to serve or give our heart to others.  Clearly, I'm no pro as I'm sitting behind this laptop in a house full of boxes with my belongings inside and I prepare to move out of the house my husband and I brought our daughter home to and into one I bought myself for my babies and me.  BUT, I'd like to think I've come a long way over the past 4 years and I'm not claiming perfection over here.  Promise - if it's one thing you will NEVER find on this space, it's perfection.

4 years ago I made a decision to do something for myself as hard as it was with a new (preemie) baby and very little money on hand.  I decided that I wanted to stop hating my body, beating myself up for all the little mistakes or incompetencies that I saw in myself, and love what I saw on the inside as well as the outside. 

And this is what I want to say to YOU.  Maybe you have a spouse or a significant other to celebrate with, maybe you don't.  Maybe you hate the holiday and men in general.  Whatever your stance is on the month of love and the impending holiday, might I suggest you do something for YOU this month?  An act of SELF love perhaps.  I only say this because I truly don't think we can love others until we love ourselves and I don't believe we should be in a relationship until we have the confidence to know what we value most. 

And...let's be honest, some of us are working on our revenge bodies.

So, if you're interested in getting that revenge body or just getting your groove back or loving what you see in the mirror, fill out this link and I'll share some information with you.  No strings.  Just love.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Rattling Inside Out

I'm going to go back in time to October before I got where I am today.  When the stress of that world on my chest was so heavy that it was literally making my insides rattle against me and I was living in what can only be described as my personal version of hell. 

There were days when I felt like I couldn't stop moving because if I did my knees would buckle and my legs would collapse underneath me.  There were nights where I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and I can't even recall if I was blinking.  There were days when the only thing I ate was a bowl of cereal or a shake.   And then there were times when the rattling on the inside caused uncontrollable shaking on the outside and I had to focus just to get words out. 

I didn't really understand what anxiety was until those moments.  Sure, I've felt anxious or nervous and I've probably even referenced a panic attack or two in my past, but NOTHING prepared me for the force of what a true anxiety or panic attack is.  If someone had told me this is what it feels like I wouldn't have believed them.  I always thought it was in your head.  I even had people tell me I just needed to give it to God and it would all go away.  Believe me, if it would have gone away that easily I would have gladly given it.  I did give it!  I prayed and prayed and got on my knees more in those days than I ever have in my life.  But He didn't take it. 

Sometimes we like to think things are supposed to happen the way we see them happening or the way we want them to happen.  We believe that we are such good human beings that surely our will is also God's will.  Right?  The past few months have shown me that sometimes our vision for our life is not His and sometimes we go through stuff so that we can use it for good.  Our little sacrifice might help someone one day. And that's why I'm here writing.

 Also, because I still can't figure out what to do on these days when I don't have my kids and something about typing away at my laptop and getting this out of my head and onto paper gives me a little sense of release.  This is just as much for me as it is for the people who stumble across it.

Lord knows I haven't handled all of this as gracefully as I would like to think I would and I'm certainly a work in progress, but I am proud of who I am today.  Proud of how when it seemed like the perfect thing to do would be to entirely lose my shit - I didn't let that happen.  Proud that I haven't crawled into a black hole or buried my head like an ostrich to disappear.  Proud of how I've put my kids first and plastered a smile on my face and overcome when I would have much rather carried on like a toddler throwing a tantrum. 

I went back to an old Instagram post (@thelindsayerin) and it said:
I'm hurting right now.  The kind of hurt that starts in the heart and then makes its way into physical ailments throughout your body.  Constant headaches, heavy eyelids, lack of appetite, sometimes it feels like I can't catch my breath.  I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know if or when I will, but just being able to get a little bit out here in this space really feels therapeutic for me.  As human beings we all want to be loved and this community has become that for me in so many ways.

I hope this can  be that community for you.  I hope you know you aren't alone and we can cry together and celebrate together and do life together.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Unraveled


My life literally feels like it's been flipped upside down and it's sitting on my chest.  I'm laying underneath it struggling to breath and can't seem to figure out what normal is supposed to be because I know I will not go back to the normal I've known. 

Writing about it seems the only logical thing so that I can get some of it out of my head and maybe this will be cathartic or at the very least therapeutic...
And at the same time I find myself wondering if I should even be writing this.  I've got this innate desire to protect and control and hide everything which I'm learning isn't really me...it's my survival tactics kicking in.  It's what I've been doing for the past 5+ years and I'm having to learn that I can be unapologetically me without feeling this deep rooted need to fix others.

When I started going through this process I kept googling things trying to find someone out in the universe that was going through or has gone through what I am right now and I couldn't find anyone.  I wasn't looking for a self help book or a therapist - I've got plenty of those.  I was looking for a CONNECTION, someone who could tell me it's going to be hard and it's going to suck, but it's going to get better.  And I couldn't find that. 

So, I decided that I am going to use this story I've been given to be that connection for other women.  Other moms who may walk in my shoes one day.  I don't necessarily know that what I share will be helpful or inspiring, but at least it will be relatable.  Because I know when your whole world seems to be crashing down around you the one thing you want to feel is NOT  ALONE. 

If you're finding this post because you are unraveling, know that you are not alone.  WE are not alone.