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Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Rattling Inside Out

I'm going to go back in time to October before I got where I am today.  When the stress of that world on my chest was so heavy that it was literally making my insides rattle against me and I was living in what can only be described as my personal version of hell. 

There were days when I felt like I couldn't stop moving because if I did my knees would buckle and my legs would collapse underneath me.  There were nights where I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and I can't even recall if I was blinking.  There were days when the only thing I ate was a bowl of cereal or a shake.   And then there were times when the rattling on the inside caused uncontrollable shaking on the outside and I had to focus just to get words out. 

I didn't really understand what anxiety was until those moments.  Sure, I've felt anxious or nervous and I've probably even referenced a panic attack or two in my past, but NOTHING prepared me for the force of what a true anxiety or panic attack is.  If someone had told me this is what it feels like I wouldn't have believed them.  I always thought it was in your head.  I even had people tell me I just needed to give it to God and it would all go away.  Believe me, if it would have gone away that easily I would have gladly given it.  I did give it!  I prayed and prayed and got on my knees more in those days than I ever have in my life.  But He didn't take it. 

Sometimes we like to think things are supposed to happen the way we see them happening or the way we want them to happen.  We believe that we are such good human beings that surely our will is also God's will.  Right?  The past few months have shown me that sometimes our vision for our life is not His and sometimes we go through stuff so that we can use it for good.  Our little sacrifice might help someone one day. And that's why I'm here writing.

 Also, because I still can't figure out what to do on these days when I don't have my kids and something about typing away at my laptop and getting this out of my head and onto paper gives me a little sense of release.  This is just as much for me as it is for the people who stumble across it.

Lord knows I haven't handled all of this as gracefully as I would like to think I would and I'm certainly a work in progress, but I am proud of who I am today.  Proud of how when it seemed like the perfect thing to do would be to entirely lose my shit - I didn't let that happen.  Proud that I haven't crawled into a black hole or buried my head like an ostrich to disappear.  Proud of how I've put my kids first and plastered a smile on my face and overcome when I would have much rather carried on like a toddler throwing a tantrum. 

I went back to an old Instagram post (@thelindsayerin) and it said:
I'm hurting right now.  The kind of hurt that starts in the heart and then makes its way into physical ailments throughout your body.  Constant headaches, heavy eyelids, lack of appetite, sometimes it feels like I can't catch my breath.  I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know if or when I will, but just being able to get a little bit out here in this space really feels therapeutic for me.  As human beings we all want to be loved and this community has become that for me in so many ways.

I hope this can  be that community for you.  I hope you know you aren't alone and we can cry together and celebrate together and do life together.

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